we'll clean their clock

feeling very slow, very sad today. i have residue from a positively bitchin' migraine. a great kid i wrote a story about this summer died yesterday. how do you convey to this kid's parents, absolutely wracked with grief, that you're not some asshole looking to exploit their loss for a story? god, i hate this job sometimes.

it's a sunny day. i have a lot to do. but i think i'll be leaving for a walk soon.

mcsweeney's, mcschweenies

peter, this is for you. thanks for turning me on to www.mcsweeneys.net

A SELECTION FROM
GEORGE W. BUSH'S
EAVESDROPPING TAPES:
MATTHEW BARNEY AND
BJÖRK PLACE AN IKEA
PHONE ORDER.

BY CHRIS MCCOY

- - - -

MATTHEW BARNEY: (On phone.) Matthew. Barney. Sure. It's called the Flärke. F-L-A-R-K-E. It's a bookshelf.

BJÖRK: (In background.) Ask if they have an aluminum igloo.

MATTHEW BARNEY: (Muffled.) I'm on hold. I'll check when he gets back on.

BJÖRK: (Giggling.) Imagine if clouds were made of licorice!

MATTHEW BARNEY: Flärke. With an umlaut over the a. Also, my wife was curious if you sold aluminum ... Yes, I can hold again.

BJÖRK: The winter makes me feel particularly blinkered.

MATTHEW BARNEY: The Flärke is in stock? Great. Another quick question. My wife is Scandinavian and she was wondering if you had any aluminum ... All right, I can hold.

BJÖRK: Icelanders complete the echo with feel.

MATTHEW BARNEY: You're kidding me. If you can't deliver it, why do you have the option to order by phone?

BJÖRK: Pandas are sexy.

when the snow falls, so should your speed

catchy, isn't it? way to go, marketing department at MDOT.

had a great but busy weekend. i think i hit every last community in metropolitan detroit with my pals, which of course is always fun. let's see.... tried on bridesmaid dresses and poked fun at all the bridezillas running around the joint. what is it about bridal salons that just make the claws come out? at one point, when the world's largest bridal party burst into tears for what seemed like the 500th time in the 45 minutes they sat gazing at the bride (tacky dress) i turned to laura (NOT a bridezilla) and told her loudly and slowly that she was *easily* the world's - nay, universe's - most beautiful bride. i believe i was wearing a hot pink too-tight satin dress reminicent of "havana nights" at that moment. but laura truly is the world's most beautiful bride - her dress is sweeeeeeet!

then we played whirlyball, which i can tell you involved a few beers, bumper cars, basketball hoops, lacrosse sticks and a ton of gumption. now, it involves feelings of whiplash and bruises on my waist where the seat belt was. o yes, then off to detroit, where we ran into a group of young men i went to high school with for the second time in two nights. i think they were all on "drugs," to which of course i always just say "no."

then we went to white castle. ahhhh, detroit, je t'aime et tu me manques beaucoup.

all in all, a great weekend with great friends. jorie, though, dude, we missed you tremendously. i'm so sorry you couldn't make it, and i can't wait to see you again. have my uncle lee take you bridesmaid dress shopping, i'm sure he'd be a great help.

the thing about flying (a dispatch from my parents' basement)

my dad and i just watched the video from this flight and it made me nostalgic. perhaps it's lazy to post something i wrote six months ago, but oh well. for the record, the muskegon air fair paid for my flight, not the military.

Before Wednesday, I could not have told you what it meant to "pull Gs."
But I certainly know now. Firsthand. From flying in a U.S. Navy Blue Angels Boeing F/A-18 Hornet.
Right off the bat, let me answer preliminary questions. Yes, it was scary. Yes, I vomited -- twice. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat.
The U.S. Navy Blue Angels are in the area for the Muskegon Air Fair Saturday and Sunday. I was given the chance to be a "media rider," or "sucker," with Lt. John Allison, the narrator for the Blue Angles. Allison is also known as Seven, his number with the squad.
Everyone who knew about my flight said the same thing -- "That's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity," followed quickly by, "Be ready to get sick."
Upon arrival at the airport, the media riders were briefed by Seven's crew chief, Chris Fancher, and given such pearls of wisdom as:
"There's no guns or missiles on this plane, but you can lock up another plane in the radar just like in the movies," and, "Now for what we call the 'bonus ride,' or ejection. Fifty-eight years of media riders and we've never had to send one out the back seat. Probably wanted to though."
After going over an informal will with my parents and chewing my nails while a storm kept us grounded for a couple of hours, Fancher strapped me into the jet's back, then offered some sage advice.
"Don't disappoint me," he said. "Don't puke."
It's a good thing he helpfully left a baggie next to my right knee.
As nervous as I was pre-flight, I was calmed by one thing -- these guys know their stuff.
The newest member of the Blue Angels with seven-and-a-half months of experience under his belt, Allison, 32, spent years teaching pilots how to fly the F/A-18 (which, for the record, stands for fighting and attack) in his hometown of Corpus Christi, Texas.
After graduating from the University of Texas in Austin, Allison went immediately into the U.S. Navy and traveled the world flying F/A-18's before joining the Blue Angels. It was a relief to hear his is not a job you just kind of stumble into.
Knowing this as we cruised down the runway, I like to think my voice was full of confidence as I said I was ready to go up. But let me explain what I mean by up. Forget what you know about a commercial jet takeoff. We went down the runway gaining speed, maybe 10 feet above the pavement, until I thought we were going to hit the trees in front of us at the end of the tarmac.
Suddenly, there were no trees -- there was sky, and then water and then sky again. We had taken off at a nearly 90-degree angle.
"How are you doing back there, Krista?" Allison asked once we were cruising over the lake at about 500 knots. I was surprised I was able to speak when I told him it was the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen.
And then the really fun stuff started. There were the ascents, the dives, the barrel and vertical rolls, and one particularly alarming stunt in which I was hanging upside down from my straps like a monkey hanging from vines. We apparently pulled 7.6 Gs, meaning we experienced pressure at seven times our body mass. I'd like to say we did it all, but we only scratched the surface on what that jet could do, in part because I tossed my cookies.
I can't describe what it was like looking back after one maneuver -- during which I started to black out, but then managed to hold it together -- and saw the white trail of smoke we left behind, indicating the flips and corkscrews we had just done over Lake Michigan.
It was incredible and life-affirming for one moment.
Until I tossed my cookies again.
Taking it easy on me after that, Allison paced a jet boat on Lake Michigan. We cruised the shoreline, checked out the beautiful homes and even waved at people walking down the beach. We burned through our entire 1,000-gallon tank of fuel.
It was surreal.
I was back on the ground 45 minutes later, drenched in sweat and feeling like I had just worked out for two hours. Fancher discreetly removed my baggie while I tried the best I could to appropriately thank the two of them for my incredible ride.
Inside the airport office while peeling off my flight suit, I realized in my post-flight daze my worst fear of flying with the Blue Angels had been realized -- it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, but I wanted to go up again and again and again.

headed to the eastern seaboard

(of michigan) to try on bridesmaid dresses this weekend. i'm going to be poked and prodded by some cranky elderly woman who could quite possibly make a snarky comment about my height or hip measurements. this seems to usually be the case when i'm measured for dresses. once (in auditory distance of fatty) a woman measuring me asked how padded my bra was. when i tried to mime it for her, she totally called me out and was like "so, really padded." f you, lady!!

in other news, people are peeping into tanning booths in wyoming, mich. i just heard it on the news. if skin cancer and tangerine skin tones weren't enough to deter teenagers and pageant participants from using tanning beds, perhaps this bit of news might be the piece of the puzzle that ends the ghastly practice. back in high school, i used a tanning booth and disliked the fact that i left smelling like a piece of baked marzipan.

so, it's off to detroit i go. a little fun with friends and elderly seamstresses, and quite possible a trip to greek town, corktown or mexican town. it's been way too long.

ave atque vale!

there are days when i am paralyzed by the passage of time

today is one of those days. i seem to feel each moment that ekes by. each painful, redundant moment of a five-hour meeting seems like miles of my youth are eaten by bulldozers (thanks holland city council, you a-holes (that edit was for YOUR school's filter, laura.) )

i'm taken lately with the concept of "crudites." there's something so goddamned beautfiful about photographs of vegetables in their finest "prin temps" moments. the vegetables -perhaps the caterer has chosen cauliflower, radishes, green beans, tiny carrots with their tops - are packed into a rustic basket or cleverly assembled in a terra cotta flower pot. i spent nearly three hours of my life gazing at grainy photographs of collapsable tables at weddings or real estate conferences tremblimg under the weight of bounties like this as the cells in my body aged and boke down. i should have been training to climb mt. everest. c'est la vie.

my parents are coming into town to visit with their eldest child (moi) this saturday. i'm excited. we have a lot to catch up on, including:

1. what the city of grand rapids looks like in winter
2. what the city of holland looks like in winter
3. ditto saugatuck
4. why i haven't demanded that my employer "double the goddamn paycheck" after one year of employment at the XY sentinel (this is will be a chat with my dad)
5. why i bought my mother "a million little pieces" for christmas, when all it ended up being was a pack of lies (this, i'm actually really looking forward to - i'm not going to lie here, i feel like a dumba2s for quoting this dude's book not but two f$#& g@#%$ weeks ago)

does anyone in the g.r. area care to meet bob and chris? please leave me a comment. i so look forward to comments.

there are some major developments financially that have caused things to look up. i have some badass freelance work coming my way. rent, rent, bills, bills, rent. these are worries that i now hope are moments of the past. if someone were to observe me in my day to day activities lately, they might think, "well, look at her - whistling and smiling, she's just as carefree as she can be."

these ficticious, hyper-observant people are wrong, but i'm getting there.

and, happy birthday, wonderful fatty. three taps and all of that. you are fabulous.

walrus gentlemen like to lounge in the tub, as it is similar to their natural environment

it's true. i just learned this at juke's bar from my friend travers, who himself is a member of the prestigous walrus gentlemen's club. unfortunately, their flippers kept travers and his fellow gentleman walrus kevin from finding a proper monocle to view operatic events in the area. thankfully, the two gentlemen have access to hardware equipment and were able to grind down a pair of bifocals to suit their walrus gentle man needs.

i drank a lot of PBR tonight, ran into an old friend (a friend i knew before i moved to grand rapids, which was so wonderful). here's the hot new thing i want to have: a 1950s hairdo. please let me know if you can help me and you are in the tri-county or tri-state midwestern area. i don't know how to do anything with my hair but brush it.

i can't wait for the premier of campus ladies on oxygen tomorrow night. too bad i have to work. i don't know ANY mother f-ers who have tivo. what's up with that. isn't that, according to FCC chair michael powell, "god's invention"?

god help us.

and i just wanted to add, i caught a great white shark

in a dream last night. patrick, peter, brad, brent, scott - the entire thursday nite gladiator challenge league was there, and i just kind of listlessly flung a borrowed (from fatty) fishing pole into some water at a fish ladder. however, this was no grand river fish ladder, as i caught a great white shark. the beast gave me the fight of my life, and after i had exhausted the old girl, we all cut her loose and high-fived.

i'd say i won the league challenge that night, boys.

If it doesn't say "raw," you can be sure your food is cooked

first off, happy new year. i hope everyone was able to throw their hands (and feet) into the air and bring in the latter half of the first decade of 2000 properly. i myself spent the evening somewhat quietly. it was fun though, lots of fondue and friends and laughing. i still wanted to spend the eve with you, adrianne!!! i hope your party went well. i'm sure it did, and i have no doubt that every refridgerable surface in your home was filled with the most delicious food imaginable. there's not a whole lot to report on my end here. i've had the last several days off, which is wonderful, but certainly tempered by the fact that i now have to work nine days in a row. but, please, gentle reader, please know that i am feeling well-rested and happy in these days leading up to my re-emergence into the workplace.

anyone interested in my new years' resolutions?
no? tough crap.

1. cook more. i eat altogether WAY too much pre-cooked food. ask my friends from college - this is not who i am. girls, (laura specifically because i'm in your wedding and you want a healthy bridesmaid i'm sure) i am BACK ON TRACK!!! no more junk. (how cliche, by the way)
2. try to stop watching vh1 (who am i kidding - futile)
3. write on my own more
4. pay off credit cards

check back with me in 2007 y'all.

oh yes, and whilst in ireland, i'll be in county cork and dublin. like, two months left until blast off there.